Let me just say this, loud and clear, once and for all.  I hate organized professional sports.  And do you know what I hate even more than organized professional sports?  It's the fans!  Yes, I hate you, you bloated, thick-necked baseball cap wearing idiot who comes into my neighborhood and clogs up all the streets with your goddam urban 4-wheel drive vehicles that you NEVER take off-road, and you come to the Key Arena, and you buy your over-priced NBA ticket, and you think you are helping the local economy.  Think again, yard ape!

First off, I live one block away from the Key Arena.  Yes, I know, I chose to live here.  But I have a right to my piece of mind too!  And I have the right to rant and rave and speak my mind as well.  And hey, this is my e-zine, and you can bite me if you don't like it.  I resent that I have to keep a Sonics schedule in my home and at my work, just so I know when I can and cannot drive my car.  I resent your lazy couch-sitting t.v. viewing, Bud swilling ass sitting in a big-tired truck, honking at me when I am trying to drive somewhere, heaven forbid, on a "home game day."  And I resent you and your buddies walking outside of my window, screaming at the top of your lungs in some bizarre future wife beater mating cry of "Woooooooooo!" at 2:30 in the morning.  Just what the hell does that mean anyway?  And just what kind of woman would respond to that?

Don't answer that, I already know the answer.  Those tanning booth streaky-haired blondes who wear pale pink lipstick and walk around in packs, and wear blue jeans with high-healed black boots, and wear little black turtle-necks with some sort of blazer over the top.  And they go to Mexico every year to work on their tans and drink heavily and get laid by other gross thick-necked men such as yourself, only it's not you, it's some surrogate beer beast.  And they're really impressed with your over-priced car and your Billy Ray Cyrus haircut, and the money you spend on them.  And when they're older, if you get married, they will walk around with you in matching NBA sports attire and yammer on incessantly about the bitch at work whose trying to get them, or the trip they want to take to Branson Missouri.  And you will be tuning them out, thinking about how you can best suck in your enormous beer belly that has since drifted so far over your belt that you have no idea where your waist line really is.

I hate you and your friends.  You always travel in hordes.  And yell things at me like "I like to eat pussy!"  And wonder why I shoot you a look that says "If I had an AK-47, I'd be spraying you and all these other sports-loving losers in the general vicinity full of lead!"  You are a waste of precious DNA.  Every breath that you take is robbing other living things of oxygen.  And yet you thrive, and multiply, and prosper.  This I cannot comprehend.

Why don't you wise up and realize that the industry you are supporting makes millions off of the backs of the poor and the middle class.  Sports teams aren't about regional loyalty or pride.  They are about huge profits and exploitation.  Players don't give a rat's ass where they play, as long as they're getting paid and getting laid.  Team owners don't care where the team ends up, they're just looking for the best way to line their pockets.  And the city does NOT benefit financially from the presence of a major league sports team.  The Seattle Opera brings in more revenue to the city than any of the organized sporting teams do.

And don't even get me started about the city subsidizing stadiums for privately owned teams.  All I'm going to say is that the people voted NO on the Mariners stadium, and yet it is being constructed.  And we are going to tear down the perfectly functional Kingdome and put another stadium in it's place.  How many stadiums does this town need?  Don't we have schools that are in such disrepair that they are not earthquake safe?  Aren't our roads chock full of potholes?  Haven't we needed a new library for about 15 years now?  Isn't there a huge shortage of affordable and low income housing in this city?  Who the hell cares?  Let's build another fucking stadium!  Subsidized vanity projects for the rich!  Hey, I want to open a record store in this damn town, will the city build one for me and give me some tax breaks?  I seriously doubt it.  Organized sports are a PRIVATE business, and should be treated with no more special favors than any other industry.  I know that's a radical idea to you rabid sports fans, but hey, call me crazy.

Anyhow, this is why I say, fuck the Sonics!  I don't want them to win the playoffs and advance to another round of games.  I am sick and tired of idiots roaming the streets of my neighborhood and throwing their money at people who are already millionaires.   Wise up!  Stay home!  And get the hell out of my neighborhood!